Tired.

I'm tired of being an advocate. AnnaLynne McCord is on the next cover of Cosmopolitan magazine and opening up about her sexual assault.

First, I'm tired of being in this club. Why did I have to join? I didn't want to. Now I'm in this club. The survivors club. I'm glad I survived. I'm glad I'm still here. I'm glad I'm doing alright. But why is everything I do a reflection of that? Even in my own mind, I'm "not letting him win". And how stupid is that? My existence reflects nothing on him or the circumstance pressed on me but only my own perseverance, dedication and heart. Why am I in this club where I have to do things to get better? I can't just drink a lot or be mad. I have to talk about it, get counseling, a journal, find some way to cope or find the "new" me. I want to go back to before! I want to read without thinking about it or run because I enjoy it. Not because my therapist says I should find my true authentic self. Why does it have to be a thought or an action? 

And second, I'm tired of being an advocate for this club I didn't want to join. I don't want to feel like I need to have a response every time  a new statistic comes up or I read an article on Slate or the good men project. Now I'm not saying I won't advocate. I'm saying in tired of feeling the fucking NEED to, the feeling inside that if I don't stand up and be counted, he's winning. What is that? I don't want to be counted. I want to do my work and my advocacy and not have it be a political statement but a true outpouring of my soul and spirit and heart and the love and compassion I feel for others on a daily basis. I want to be recognized not because I overcame something so now I am doing it to give back, but because I HAVE ALWAYS GIVEN BACK IN WHATEVER WAY I CAN! I have volunteered at countless organizations. My school required 70 on top of the 75 for Bright Futures. I think I graduated with 270.  I always have had compassion for those less fortunate. I get it from my daddy and mama. We used to feed the homeless on holidays- buy some bread and pb, apples, and gather up extra blankets and walk around downtown Clearwater to give it away. That's my family, my life. I didn't start volunteering because I experienced something shitty. I don't want to be recognized as that. This is me. This is not something I am doing to overcome. 

Third, I don't want to ignore the pain and trauma that survivors experience. I don't know your pain but I can relate. I'm just tired of having to feel something, second guess why I am feeling and be prepared to have a comment on it. I can't not have an opinion. I can't pretend like I don't give a shit. I experienced rape, so obviously I speak for all survivors (sarcasm to be clear). 

Last, I just want to go back. I'm doing my counseling to heal an find a better happy that the bogged-down frustration I had previously. This isn't about that. I'm tired of my response of "oh now I must find something to say about this" because it is talking about my tribe of people, all of whom never wanted to be in this tribe. And I do get asked every once in a while. However, when I don't, I spill my feelings on my boyfriend. More like boil him with them because I get so fired up and angry. He doesn't like to talk to me about these articles and stories now because I just blow up and then get mad when he doesn't respond exactly how I want him to (I don't know how I want him to respond but he's not responding the right way). I don't want to have to think about this. I don't want to formulate opinions and defenses and theses. I want to feel bad, feel compassion and do something about it, not because I feel guilt and horror but because I am that way. 

All in all, I am the member of a club. I didn't want to join but here I am. I am so much fucking more than my club. 

#InASnap Gillette Venus Snap Razor REVIEW

I am in love. I have finnicky skin. My skin gets red and bumpy and sad after I shave.
With this new razor, I haven't gotten even one bump. It is awesome. I am so pleased! My skin was actually softer too. The Embrace conditioning softened my skin and cleared away all the junk. It is fantastic.
I will never go to another razor brand. I am a lifelong-razor-brand-specific kind of girl now.
Link to my vine: Vine

Confrontation

Sometimes, I read something that forces me to confront my views, my perspective, my mindset.
http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/09/rape-is-rape-is-rape.html

That blog entry is it for today (or at least I hope it is the only it). It is healing to hear the positive love coming from survivors. I heal a little more when I can positively contribute to someone else. I heal a little more reading about strength and power and empowerment in the face of a difficult, damaging situation.

I haven't commented too much on my own rape. I was raped in 2012 during my service as a Peace Corps Volunteer while on vacation outside of my village. I don't tell everyone. I "came out" as a survivor about 6 months after coming home. I was heartbroken to leave my village, my little Lyzinet and Neutoni. I still am heartbroken that I am not in my other home.

I struggled after coming home. Peace Corps provided counseling for as long as I needed. I didn't realize that once I "resettled" and found a good job and got into a rhythm and routine that my trauma would resurface. But it did. I gained about 80 pounds and looked to food as a source of stuffing that trauma into a hole. It didn't work and my family and boyfriend confronted me separately. I hit my bottom and had to search for a flashlight. Counseling is that flashlight I am using to climb back out. The higher I get, the healthier I feel. I will stand on firm ground again. I will advocate and counsel and love on those who are dealing with circumstances like (or unlike) my own, or just people in general. I will support and love.

I am strong. I am brave. I will conquer (or I should say, I am conquering)!

Traveling - I am planning a trip

I don't know where or when. I just know I have to get going. It is time to explore and travel. I need to be in a car or a plane or on a train. Need, not want.
I am deciding between New Orleans and Key West. Can't decide. Both I love. I've been to Key West a few times and New Orleans once for one night, so maybe New Orleans it is.
Please pass along your recommendations for places to eat, to stay, to explore.
I know I will visit the Malawian woman in the French Market and speak some Chichewa. Oh, heart of my heart.
Now, I need to go.

Shaving or in other words, the #InASnap Voxbox!

I started shaving in 5th grade. I was behind in quite a few ways when I was in 5th grade. I had no boobs to speak of (other girls were wearing training bras, and I was still waiting to hit 4 feet tall), was short. Okay, that's really probably it. I wasn't abnormal (except the height department...never did get to "normal" height).
I pretty much stole my mom's razor. Well, we all used the same shower growing up, so it was in there, so I used it.
I didn't get my own until the 3rd day of 6th grade. I remember because it was a big deal. My razor was a Gillette razor. It was blue and oval-ish shaped.

Like this! But in blue!

I loved shaving. I loved shaving and the calming bathtime ritual of it. It wasn't until joining the Peace Corps that I got out of the shaving habit. I usually remember my armpits, but not always. I usually forget my legs.

I got the amazing #InASnap VoxBox! This Voxbox is a brand box that I received from Influenster complimentary to test out the product. I receive no monetary compensation and my opinions are totally my own. 

I love the Snap Venus Razor. It comes in a little clamshell container. It is ADORABLE! So cute. It is prefectly sized to throw in a suitcase. Traveling is my zen; traveling is in my heart and soul. So a razor I can bring with me on trips is fantastic! I love it. The razor has 5 blades and is palm sized. I am a Gillette fan and with this new razor, I remain a fan. <3

Thank you for my new traveling tool, Influenster and Gillette!

Links:

In A Snap Pinterest board

Me opening the #InASnap Voxbox on Youtube

Influenster Venus Snap Review page

Gillette Venus facebook page

Gillette Venus Twitter

The hashtag is #InASnap

No news so far

on the moving out front. I am now distracting myself with planning trips to New Orleans, Boston, Paris, Copenhagen or Tokyo.
It is working but I am not losing my focus. I just can't decide on anything. I am deciding between nightstands. I love these mirrored ones from Pier One Imports. But 249 apiece is not in my budget.

I think I am deciding between these from Target.

What do you think?