Saturday, August 9, 2014

Body Love

I am an avid reader of themilitantbaker who is a Body Love/Fat Acceptance advocate. I struggle daily with the way I look - specifically my weight. I am not thin. Hah. It is still hard for me to admit that I am fat. I want so badly to delete that sentence. I want to delete this whole post.
I am not happy with my weight. I am even more unhappy since I started this combating hypothyroidism journey. The first 2 medications eliminated my appetite but I experienced edema (swelling) of my feet - I couldn't wear my own shoes and I was moody and exhausted. Third medication is effecting my moods greatly and not effecting my appetite at all. Not as much edema but some on some days and not at all on others.
I haven't ran or worked out or done any exercise in probably 2 weeks (excluding one week of sickness).

I am so tired. I am tired of fighting how I feel. I want to feel beautiful. I want to not care anymore. I want to worry about my health and not how my ass looks in a skirt. I want to be more concerned that over the past week, I now get tired going up the damn stairs.

Something is wrong and I don't know how to fix it.

There is so much shame and anger and frustration welling up inside me and I don't know what to do about it.

Please send some thoughts my way. Please send some wishes for good health.

I think part of the problem is that I know I have disordered eating (which I feel like I am misleading if I say I have an eating disorder - even though it is the same thing) on top of genetic bad luck. I feel like I am supposed to be small and compact and if I start taking care of myself then I will get there. And maybe that will happen. At the same time, why do I have to wait to start loving my body until then - or only love that I can potentially be small and compact? I want to love myself in this moment. I want to love myself right now! I can't grow if I hate my body - I can't change.

I recognize that there are a lot of factors relating to my weight - many of which stem from my past, including my rape. I don't like that some people in my life are unable to acknowledge that truth - to recognize that I am not and have not been and was not "okay" and that part of the problem stemmed from the lack of acceptance I had.

But you know what? I am not going to go downstairs and eat ice cream. I am going to go get a few carrots and a slice of pizza. And that is fucking okay.

Here's some interesting body-related articles:
Thin Privilege
Stop Hating Your Body on tumblr
Mindy Kaling on HuffPost